


Sleep Is Filled With Fear.

by Haughtshit1



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Arguing, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fear, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Nightmares, Sick Character, Sickfic, Vomiting, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:06:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28050624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haughtshit1/pseuds/Haughtshit1
Summary: Dani is sick and tired, but she doesn't want Jamie to know that. She can't let Jamie know that.-“Are you all right love? You look awfully pale.”Jamie hesitantly reached her hand towards Dani’s forehead, but Dani quickly put a stop to it. She held Jamie’s hand, kissing it softly.“I’m fine. Just-”“Tired?” the gardener interrupted, no malice intended, just genuine concern. “How about, you go back to bed for a little while longer?” Jamie stroked her hand gently against Dani’s forearm.
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Jamie, Dani Clayton/Jamie, damie - Relationship
Comments: 3
Kudos: 72





	Sleep Is Filled With Fear.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually really like how this turned out. Thank you for taking the time to read it :)  
> (and yeah, i realise I'm shit at summaries).  
> Feel free to inform me if i included something that only irish people would understand. I tried not to, but we all make mistakes.

Dani lay awake, listening to Jamie’s comforting, evenly paced breaths that only came with sleep. She grasped Jamie’s hand under their heavy blanket; it was anchoring her. Silent, hot tears trickled down her pale cheeks. Her mind was racing faster than formula one drivers. The dark bags that came with 48 hours with no sleep made her eyes look sunken and sickly. She felt sick, like she was going to throw up any second. Was she about to throw up? No. No she couldn’t throw up. No vomit, not today!

She speedily, yet carefully removed her hands from Jamie’s. Dani silently walked past their en suite. _To close, she’d hear you and that would just make her worry…. I’m doing enough of that for the both of us._

Her silent footsteps quickened as she left their bedroom and waddled across the apartment to the other bathroom. Dani closed the door softly. (Even though there was no way Jamie could hear her from the other side of the apartment. She had always been a heavy sleeper.) She lurched forward, clammy hands grabbing the ceramic toilet bowl; puke spewed out of her, her cheese toastie Jamie made her hours ago floated in an ugly blob on the top of the water. She coughed weakly, spitting any remnants of the foul consistency that coated her mouth. Dani hovered for a few more seconds before shakily getting to her feet, the thin veil of sweat glistened on her forehead.

She flushed the toilet and brushed her teeth before going back to Jamie. Suddenly feeling dizzy, Dani collapsed next to Jamie.

“Dani?” Jamie’s voice was croaky with sleep. Her eyes stayed closed as she reached her arm out for Dani’s. “Dan?”

“yeah J?” Dani whispered in a reply, she was barely coherent.

“you’re warm. You feelin’ okay?” Jamie mumbled while inching closer, trying to wrap her other arm around Dani’s body. Dani wormed her body away. “yeah, don’t worry, just a little bit hot. Go back to sleep sweetie.”

And Jamie did just that. And Dani did just the opposite. She stayed in bed fiddling with her thumbs for an hour until she thought it was an acceptable time to get up. At six a.m. Dani kissed Jamie lightly on the forehead and tottered to the en suite, turning on the shower and slipping in. The hot water and rising steam eased her into a peaceful trance. Not quite asleep, but not quite awake, Dani washed herself on autopilot and then she stood, staring blankly at the tiles, until her eyes closed gently; her head tipped towards her chin.

Exhaustion set its place in every bone and every muscle in Dani’s body. Exhaustion caused by stress and worry was making her sick and _tired._ The fear that sleep brought was another factor. The little sleep she did get consisted of terrifying nightmares that could and would scare even the most strong-willed folk. Her lack of sleep was fuelled by both her inability and her refusal to do such a thing. Sleep brought back memories that Dani was desperately trying to suppress. God, why was suppression such a prevalent theme in her life?

Dani was awoken from her trance by a light tap on the door.

“Poppins? You okay in there?” Jamie’s thick English accent was (for some unknown reason) stronger in the mornings. Dani usually found it quite entertaining.

“y-yeah. Just showering. I’m finished now anyway,” she stumbled. She quickly turned off the shower and made her way to the door, almost slipping in the process.

“Would you like me to join you?”

Dani opened the door gently, giggling slightly at Jamie’s cheeky smirk. “I’m afraid you’re a little bit too late. But I would _love_ to take you up on that offer tonight,” Dani responded with a smirk of her own.

“Are you all right love? You look awfully pale.” Jamie reached her hand up to feel Dani’s forehead, but before her hand could arrive at its destination, Dani wrapped her own hand around Jamie’s and gently brought it to her lips; she kissed it softly.

“I’m fine. Just-”

“Tired?” Jamie interrupted abruptly. “How about, you go back to bed for a little while longer?” Jamie stroked her hand gently against Dani’s forearm.

“No. We have to open the shop.” Dani replied quickly. Jamie shouldn’t be worrying. Not about her. They had the shop, _yes the shop, the shop was important, lets open the shop, now._

Jamie stepped back slightly.

“What if I go open the shop, and you just chill up here for a little bit longer until you’re ready?” Jamie asked slowly.

Dani pulled back from a kiss that was placed caringly on her cheek.

“Dani…”

“I said I’m fine, Jamie!” she rushed out. Her croaking voice said otherwise.

“Okay, but you don’t have to be. And if you aren’t, you can talk to me.” Jamie’s soft words should have been comforting, but for some reason they felt suffocating.

“Jamie! I-i I said I’m fine, why can’t you just drop it!” She shouted.

“Jesus Christ Dani, I’m just trying to help!” She’s not lying, Dani knew that. That’s probably what scared her the most.

“Poppins, you’re shaking, come on.”

Dani walked towards their bed, her hand reaching aimlessly towards something to ground herself.

“Why won’t y-you listen to me, just um, I-I I’m f-fine.”

“Dani?”

Dani wobbled slightly, she grasped at her bed frame. “Why can’t you, you just believe me, w-when I say I am fine!” she rasped.

“Dani, maybe you should just sit down.”

“NO! I, I-” Dani tried to continue but the ringing in her ears was getting pretty loud and she was getting confused. Dani sat down.

Sickly cold sweat shone from her forehead. “Jamie, I don’t, um” she whispered. Her shaking hands reached towards her ears. She heard Jamie say something, but it sounded like gibberish. Nausea churned her stomach. Black spots filled the room. It reminded Dani of space. Like, black holes, sucking up everything good in the room. They were spreading, expanding, filling the whole room. There was more dark than light. And soon the darkness took Jamie. Just like she knew it would. She knew her darkness would take over; she knew it would take Jamie. That’s why she was so worried in the first place. Dani just dragged Jamie into her deep, stupid lake. Dani killed Jamie just like she knew she would. Her breathing quickened; it was dark now. It was dark at the bottom of her lake. It was dark and cold and _nothing_ and she yanked the love of her life in with her.

Dani’s eyes closed as she slipped off the bed into Jamie’s delicate arms.

\-----

Jamie awoke to a delicate kiss on the forehead. She stayed in bed a little while longer, basking in the comfort of her bedsheets that smelled like her wife, before slowly opening her eyes. She reached her arm out and turned on her bedside lamp. After reading a chapter of her book, Jamie realised that the shower had been on this entire time.

“Poppins? You okay in there?” she asked while knocking gently on the wooden door.

Jamie waited for a reply, her ear pressed against the door.

“y-yeah. Just showering. I’m finished now anyway,” her angel said shakily. Jamie ran her hands through her hair, stress pooling inside of her. A memory from last night flashed through Jamie’s brain. She thought that maybe it was a dream.

_You’re warm, you feelin’ okay?_

_Yeah, don’t worry, just a little bit hot. Go back to sleep sweetie._

Jamie shook her head, trying to rid her head of her worrying thoughts.

“Would you like me to join you?”

The door opened. Dani walked out with a gleeful giggle “I’m afraid you’re a little bit too late. But I would love to take you up on that offer tonight,” Dani replied.

All previous thoughts left Jamie’s head; Dani looked pale, _really_ pale. _Like her features were being washed away, along with her memories. No. Not like that._

“Are you all right love? You look awfully pale.”

Jamie hesitantly reached her hand towards Dani’s forehead, but Dani quickly put a stop to it. She held Jamie’s hand, kissing it softly.

“I’m fine. Just-”

“Tired?” the gardener interrupted, no malice intended, just genuine concern. “How about, you go back to bed for a little while longer?” Jamie stroked her hand gently against Dani’s forearm.

“No. We have to open the shop.” Dani replied coldly, a chilling difference to her playful voice just minutes before.

Jamie was slightly taken aback by her wife’s response. She normally loved a long lie in, but she seemed to be waking up earlier and earlier each morning. She stepped back slightly.

“What if I go open the shop, and you just chill up here for a little bit longer until you’re ready?”

Jamie kissed her wife gently on the cheek, her concern only growing when she felt the heat radiating off her, while the rest of her seemed to be shaking.

“Dani…” she whispered, her voice cracking slightly.

“I said I’m fine, Jamie!” she rushed out. Jamie let go of her arm, her eyes darted around the room. “Okay, but you don’t have to be. And if you aren’t, you can talk to me.”

“Jamie! I-i I said I’m fine, why can’t you just drop it!” Dani blinked heavily.

“Jesus Christ Dani, I’m just trying to help!” Dazed and slightly bitter about the sudden turn of events, Jamie raised her voice. She took a deep breath before she spoke again, more quietly this time, “Poppins, you’re shaking, come on.”

She watched Dani wobble towards their bed, her arms flailing in weird motions.

“Why won’t y-you listen to me, just um, I-I I’m f-fine.”

“Dani?”

Dani held the metal bedframe tightly, her knuckles turning white. “Why can’t you, you just believe me, w-when I say I am fine!” she rasped.

“Dani, maybe you should just sit down,” Jamie offered.

“NO! I, I-” She burst out before stopping abruptly. Jamie approached her wife slowly. Dani sat gingerly on the edge of the bed.

“Jamie, I don’t, um” Dani mumbled. But no other words followed.

“Dani, talk to me.” Jamie knelt down in front of Dani. Jamie watched her wife’s shaking hands push against her ears. She placed her hand gently on Dani’s knee. “Dani, can you hear me?” Dani suddenly started hyperventilating. Her eyes darted around the room in panic, sweat dripped from her forehead. “Dani, Dani please.”

Dani jerked forward, vomit spewing from her mouth before she toppled into Jamie’s arms, eyes slipping closed.

Jamie couldn’t help but cringe slightly at the smell. But she didn’t pay any attention to it.

“DANI!”

-

Dani awoke in her bed. Jamie was holding her hand and twirling her blonde hair slowly around her finger. “Jamie? I, I’m sorry.” She mumbled.

“Oh Dani…” Jamie whispered, tears welling in her eyes. “Poppins, you uh, you fainted on me.” Jamie couldn’t help the slight crack in her voice.

“What’s that smell?” Dani sat up slightly, “Oh god, did I throw up on you. _Shit._ I’m so sorry Jamie, I didn’t-”

“Dani it, it’s fine, I didn’t even notice. What happened? Please, you have to talk to me. No more secrets. Remember? We said no more secrets. You’re so tired. And and, you are getting up earlier and earlier. Now you’re sick, but I don’t understand why you won’t let me take care of you. Did I do something? Okay, don’t, don’t worry about that. You need rest. I’ll go get you water.”  
  


All at once, Dani’s eyes grew large. Her feet kicked at the blanket, her hands pulled away from Jamie’s and she crawled away from their bed. She stumbled to her feet, breathing heavily and quickly. Dani’s heartbeat seemed out of control, her hands were trembling, and her throat seemed like it was closing up. She closed her eyes as tight as she possibly could, begging for whatever was happening to just, _stop._

“NO!” Dani said roughly. “No i-I can’t go to sleep, no, _no, no.”_

Dani shuddered, her hands reaching above her head. Her fingers clasped together. “Jamie, I n-need. Jamie...”

Jamie grasped at Dani’s hands, she held them to her own chest. “Shhhhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I promise.”

\-----

The couch felt stiff. It never did before. The space between them was wider than usual. Dani couldn’t find it in her to speak. She tried. Her brain refused to form words and her mouth refused to speak her unformed words. But she gave it a shot anyway.

“I, um, I’m sorry Jamie. I’m only sorry, nothing else.”

“Poppins, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. You had a panic attack, that’s not your fault!” she said. “Dani, you’re shaking, I think you have the flu or something.” Jamie reached over to the other side of the couch, choosing their fluffiest blanket. She wrapped Danielle tightly, and lay her down on the couch gently. Dani’s head settled into Jamie’s lap. Jamie slowly stroked her wife’s hair.

“You don’t have to tell me, you know. I’m sorry if I made it seem like you did. I was just, well I was scared Dani.” Jamie admitted quietly.

“I can’t go to sleep. I can’t.” Dani shook her heads while she spoke. Anxiety bubbling back up.

“Okay, that’s okay…” Jamie was confused to say the least. Concerned if she was to tell the truth.

“No Jamie, It’s not okay. I am fucking _tired._ ”

“Dani, I don’t understand.”

“I am tired and fucking scared. I can’t sleep because, I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to see the things that I see in my dreams.”

“What do you see.” Jamie was lying to herself. Sometimes lying is a kindness. Jamie already knew what she saw. _Who_ she saw.

“ _Her._ I see her. I-I see her in real life too. In the mirror and in the water. But she’s not completely there. She’s all there in the dreams. She’s all there and I’m not. She’s me. And I’m with you, and I’m ruining you, but it’s not really me, but, but maybe it is. I don’t fucking know. And, and I am _ruining_ you. I’ve ruined you. The reason it’s so scary is because it’s _real_ Jamie. I am killing you. You could be happy. I am destroying your life. So no, I won’t go to sleep, because if I see you _dying_ one more time. _I_ will die. And no, I won’t let you take care of me. Because if you take care of me, I am afraid that _you_ will die.” Dani sat up, warm tears trickled from her eyes, down the bridge of her nose, falling fast towards their carpet.

“Dani. You’re not- Dani what are you-”

Dani sprinted towards the kitchen sink. Her vomit was just liquid and bile at this point. It burned her as it trickled out of her mouth. Jamie held Dani’s hair and rubbed comforting circles on her back.

“Maybe it’s a vomiting bug baby. But I think you have a fever, so the flu is still an option. And I am going to take care of you because you are sick, you need someone to take care of you. I want to take care of you. You are sick, and maybe a big reason is because you are tired and haven’t slept in god knows how long. But if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. However, if you choose to sleep, I will lie with you. And I will hold you. I will try my best to protect you from whatever I can. I know that I can’t stop the nightmares, but I can be there when you wake up. Because I am not going anywhere. You are not going to do anything to me, and I know that because I know you and I love you. I love you.”

The tears came back. They never really left. Dani’s tears were followed by gut-wrenching sobs. “I am worried, and I am afraid an-and panicky. But most of all I’m just so fucking _tired_ Jamie.”

“Is that a yes, to sleeping?”

Dani retched into the sink as a response, before nodding her head with a whimper. “and I am sick.”

“That you are Poppins. That you are.”

-

Dani lay awake, listening to Jamie’s comforting, spaced out breaths that only came with concentration. She grasped Jamie’s hand under their heavy blanket; it was anchoring her. Loud, hot tears trickled down her pale cheeks. She bit back her desperate cries for help. Her mind was racing faster than a peregrine falcon. The dark bags that came with 52 hours with no sleep made her eyes look sunken and sickly. She felt sick, but it was okay. Because Jamie was with her.

Jamie held her clammy hand and ignored the dripping tears that mingled with sweat. Jamie’s voice lingered at the end of each chapter she read, seeing if she should continue. She did, Dani wanted her to. Her words helped, it didn’t matter what she was saying or reading. Jamie’s voice helped.

Dani’s eyes eventually fluttered close. Jamie’s words appeared to be a mumble. Her tears still poured from her eyes like water a fountain. But she slept. There were dreams and _she_ was there, but Jamie was too. Jamie stood between her and the dreadful lady of the lake, Jamie protected Dani. That scared Dani at first, but then it dawned on her, the lady wouldn’t hurt Jamie; Dani wouldn’t let her. Because Dani would protect Jamie. They protected each other. Always.

Jamie held Dani tightly as she slept. Dani trembled every now and then. She shook and squirmed and cried but she was asleep. There were moments where she was perfectly content in her slumber. Jamie patted her head with a wet cloth, attempting to bring down her ever-growing fever. In hours’ time when Dani would wake up, Jamie would tie her hair back and hold a bucket in front of her. She would make her lover toast and make her drink water, only to hold her once again while that toast came back up. And then they would sleep, together. Dani’s head on Jamie’s chest, Jamie’s arm draped across Dani’s side.

Dani woke up at some point during the night; she was awake no longer then ten minutes before she drifted off again. But for those ten minutes, she spoke quietly to her sleeping wife. She wouldn’t remember it in the morning. Her fever would stop her thinking clearly in the morning. But at that moment in time, Dani whispered to her loving gardener. “It’s you, it’s me, it’s us. Always.”


End file.
